I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
