Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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