I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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