So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
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i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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