Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
