Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
