We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I want a musical about memes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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