when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
