i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
