I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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