Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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