thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
