Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
