Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
