I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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