k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
