Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
