The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
