I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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