Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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