This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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