so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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