I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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