got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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