i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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