I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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