Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
