pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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