She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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