upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
