My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
