I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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