I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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