It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
