I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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