remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
