and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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