Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
