just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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