She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
