he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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