The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
