I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize