I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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