Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
