Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
