and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
