if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
