I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
