So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
