i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize