Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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