I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
