this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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