I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
