Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
