he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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