As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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