Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
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Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
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She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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