omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
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It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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